Navigating ADHD in Relationships: Communication Tips for Neurodiverse Partners
Effective communication is crucial for all couples, especially those in neurodiverse relationships. Neurodivergent individuals often experience heightened emotional reactivity, making it more likely to interpret behaviors personally when, in reality, it may be linked to their unique brain functioning. A communication model that delves into the core issues and facilitates planning is instrumental for the well-being and harmony of the relationship.
Discover a communication framework that aligns with your relationship style. There are many out there and you may have to experiment with a few to find what works for you. Here’s one to consider: "When you," "I assumed," and "I felt (happy, sad, scared, angry, safe)." After paraphrasing what you've heard, employ this framework to respond. This method slows down the exchange, ensuring that each person feels heard and validated. It also encourages us to look at our assumptions and check them out instead of reacting to them as truth.
For instance:
Person 1: "When you left the mail all over the table, I assumed that you didn't care about my request to keep the table clear, and I felt angry and sad."
Person 2: "I heard you say when I left the mail on the table, you assumed I didn't care about your request, and you felt angry and sad. Recognizing your feelings, I do respect your request. Can I share my perspective so we can collaborate on a new plan regarding the mail?"
Be clear about your feelings. I encourage people to boil their feelings down into these 4-5 words, happy, sad, scared, angry, and safe, because words such as frustrated or annoyed tend to be somewhat avoidant of how we are feeling. Frustrated is usually angry and sad, and people are afraid to say angry. We can be a little mad and a lot angry and can still behave safely. All the feelings are important and it’s not helpful for us to ignore them or minimize them, so use the word that is true to your feelings.
Write Down key takeaways from your conversations. Not everyone excels at verbal processing, especially when emotions are heightened. Writing helps anchor you in the present moment and your body and you can make time to check in about how it’s going and refer back to the plan.
Lastly, gaining a deep understanding of how ADHD symptoms manifest in your relationship empowers you to collaborate and devise strategies that leverage the strengths of your relationship to adapt and provide support.