Strategies to navigate interrupting.

When I'm with my closest friends, conversations tend to flow in a trust-the-chaos format - interrupt, change the subject, loop back, oops, didn’t mean to take us down that rabbit hole. Let's return to this subject, this person’s story, and so on. I've also encountered individuals who patiently wait for me to finish before they even start, while I'm just waiting for them to jump in. Navigating different communication styles across individual relationships, groups, and environments can be a bit tricky for anyone trying to manage impulsivity.

I often hear, "They get so mad when I interrupt them, but I can't help it, they should know that." On the flip side, "Can you believe they just interrupt? It's so rude, what's wrong with them?"

I see this as a competition of whose feelings or emotional experience is more important. The pattern of being interrupted and interrupting hits old wounds for people - the "No one listens to me" wound and the "I never behave in socially accepted ways" wound.

One of the first helpful things is to name what’s happening in the moment if you can or loop back to it. "I notice sometimes when we chat I interrupt, and it upsets you," or "I notice that sometimes when we talk, it's hard for me to get all my information out, and when I’m interrupted, I lose my train of thought." Once you’ve named it, it can put you on the same page so together you can problem-solve how to manage it so that both people feel heard and that their needs matter.

While this is an issue of neurodiversity, culture, and communication style, there are some environments where it’s going to be helpful if we can manage our interrupting. So, how do we do it?

During my group therapy class in graduate school, I physically sat on my hands as a reminder to speak less. It's a challenging pattern to break, but as someone who has practiced yoga for a long time, I know we can train our body and our nervous systems.

Set an intention to practice listening. Notice what feelings come up. I often found that my feeling was of excitement about what someone said or it would be a fear that if I didn’t say something now, I would forget about it when they finished talking. It was important for me to address those thoughts and feelings; my mantra became ‘anything that’s important comes back up again.'

Interrupt cycles of shame and negative self-talk. Shame is a protective feeling, and it’s not helpful if it keeps us stuck in our patterns. Creating space for self-compassion and kind self-talk will help you create momentum with success as you practice these new behaviors. Just because we set an intention to be a more active listener doesn’t mean we are going to be good at it. It’s about showing up and practicing, just like anything else we are trying to learn and integrate.

Have a plan for mistakes! If feelings get hurt by an accidental interruption, offer a sincere apology, acknowledging that your tendency to interrupt may make others feel unheard and hurt. Explain that your quick responses are driven by a fear of forgetting or a prioritized mental process. Express the importance of their words and your genuine desire to understand and respond appropriately. Seek collaboration, proposing to work together to find strategies that accommodate both parties.

Request accommodations. I've found it beneficial to ask colleagues to jot down important points. This allows me to review the information thoroughly before engaging in a discussion, ensuring a more focused and thoughtful exchange.

At the end of the day, when our hurt and shame have moved out of the way, we are just left with lots of strategies to experiment with that could enhance our communication.